I wanted to write something memorable for my husband’s 2nd death anniversary. Matt always recited verses, mostly incongruous and funny while he was alive. I kept telling him to write them down because I could not possibly remember them. He did not listen.
I’m not a poet. This little poem just popped out of my head from nowhere. Is Matt dictating this to me?
Did you ever lose a loved one? I lost two within six months of each other – my mother in November 2019 and my husband in May 2020.
My mother’s passing in the Philippines was devastating to me. I could not attend her funeral because my husband was nearing death himself. I could not leave him. My mother’s 1st death anniversary is coming soon in two weeks, and it brings tears to my eyes in unexpected moments. Now that I can go, the pandemic prevents me from going to visit her grave in the Philippines.
When my husband died, I always thought I was ready for the inevitable since he was very sick for five years. I found out it was not that easy.
After his death, there were so many things I had to deal with. I kept myself busy organizing the house to where it was before his illness. Then I had to deal with all the paperwork concerning social security, his will, and other tax and financial matters. For a while, I trudged along.
I started editing my old manuscript to keep me busy – the last one I did for the NaNoWriMo in 2017. After I was done with it, I asked an old friend to help me read it and see what he thinks of it. That helps tremendously. If you are reading this, BP, thank you very much, and I mean it sincerely. I joined the NaNoWriMo again this November to give me something to do.
When my husband got sick, I slowly abandoned all my charity work and devoted myself to taking care of him. He was my charity.
When he became bedridden, I didn’t go anywhere because I could not leave him alone. I worked doubly hard as a caregiver.
When he died in May this year, we were already into the pandemic, and social distancing was already the norm. So I continued isolating myself. I’m so used to it that it did not bother me initially, but I believe deep down, it did.
I tried listening to music, mostly classical and ballads, when I’m alone. It soothes my soul and helps me cope with my grief. I even started to teach myself how to play the piano again. It helps a little bit. Music is a great equalizer.
I don’t know what happened to me yesterday and today. I could not stop crying. I have not cried this hard since the funeral parlor’s people took my husband’s body away for cremation, and I said my final farewell. I could not even go to the funeral parlor because of the Covid-19 restriction.
All these months, I thought I’m fine, but I guess not. It was all bottled up inside me.
I don’t know what hits me this week. I feel miserable, and yesterday and today were the worst.
I don’t know if it is the pandemic, the election, the veterans’ day, or just being alone and isolated for almost six years. Maybe it’s a combination of everything around me. Most likely, it’s my mother’s death anniversary causing it. I miss her terribly.
I feel all alone all of a sudden. Yes, my son is in residence, but he works all day. Maybe I need someone to talk to besides Skipper, my son’s dog, and a shoulder to cry on.
Usually, I keep my feelings to myself. Today, I feel a need to share it and get it off my chest. It helps ease the pain.