Must I Move On?

On the occasion of Matthew Morgan's 2nd death anniversary, I dedicate the poem below:
I quietly grieve
In silence, In darkness
I found myself in tears.
Like Montmorency Falls
Unwavering, it flows
It heaves a sigh for years.

I'm missing you.
Wanting to hear your voice
Reciting limerick
To make me laugh with joy.
Missing you at dinner time
Someone to talk to
Needing your company
Day in and day out, I do.

Must I move on?
Wondering too often.
Without you, life is lonely
Without an anchor, I'm adrift at sea.
I hear you say, "Sail on!
Waste not, time is precious.
Life is fleeting. Sorrow not wanting.
Take good care of yourself,
The horizon is vast and waiting.
Grieve not. Time for you to move on!"

Copyright 2022 ©Rosalinda R Morgan
Matt as a youngster painted by Madame Shoumatoff, who did the famous unfinished portrait of Pres. Franklin D. Roosevelt who died while sitting for the portrait on April 12, 1945.
Matt when he joined the U.S. Navy in 1944 when Franklin D. Roosevelt was the Commander-in-Chief.




I wanted to write something memorable for my husband’s 2nd death anniversary. Matt always recited verses, mostly incongruous and funny while he was alive. I kept telling him to write them down because I could not possibly remember them. He did not listen.

I’m not a poet. This little poem just popped out of my head from nowhere. Is Matt dictating this to me?










			

How do You Deal with Grief?

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Did you ever lose a loved one? I lost two within six months of each other – my mother in November 2019 and my husband in May 2020.

My mother’s passing in the Philippines was devastating to me. I could not attend her funeral because my husband was nearing death himself. I could not leave him. My mother’s 1st death anniversary is coming soon in two weeks, and it brings tears to my eyes in unexpected moments. Now that I can go, the pandemic prevents me from going to visit her grave in the Philippines.

When my husband died, I always thought I was ready for the inevitable since he was very sick for five years. I found out it was not that easy.

After his death, there were so many things I had to deal with. I kept myself busy organizing the house to where it was before his illness. Then I had to deal with all the paperwork concerning social security, his will, and other tax and financial matters. For a while, I trudged along.

I started editing my old manuscript to keep me busy – the last one I did for the NaNoWriMo in 2017. After I was done with it, I asked an old friend to help me read it and see what he thinks of it. That helps tremendously. If you are reading this, BP, thank you very much, and I mean it sincerely. I joined the NaNoWriMo again this November to give me something to do.

When my husband got sick, I slowly abandoned all my charity work and devoted myself to taking care of him. He was my charity.

When he became bedridden, I didn’t go anywhere because I could not leave him alone. I worked doubly hard as a caregiver.

When he died in May this year, we were already into the pandemic, and social distancing was already the norm. So I continued isolating myself. I’m so used to it that it did not bother me initially, but I believe deep down, it did.

I tried listening to music, mostly classical and ballads, when I’m alone. It soothes my soul and helps me cope with my grief. I even started to teach myself how to play the piano again. It helps a little bit. Music is a great equalizer.

I don’t know what happened to me yesterday and today. I could not stop crying. I have not cried this hard since the funeral parlor’s people took my husband’s body away for cremation, and I said my final farewell. I could not even go to the funeral parlor because of the Covid-19 restriction.

All these months, I thought I’m fine, but I guess not. It was all bottled up inside me.

I don’t know what hits me this week. I feel miserable, and yesterday and today were the worst.

I don’t know if it is the pandemic, the election, the veterans’ day, or just being alone and isolated for almost six years. Maybe it’s a combination of everything around me. Most likely, it’s my mother’s death anniversary causing it. I miss her terribly.

I feel all alone all of a sudden. Yes, my son is in residence, but he works all day. Maybe I need someone to talk to besides Skipper, my son’s dog, and a shoulder to cry on.

Usually, I keep my feelings to myself. Today, I feel a need to share it and get it off my chest. It helps ease the pain.

Thank you for reading.